lay down your arms, it's christmas

relaxation.
the marathon of work and stress ends. i am fulfilled, i am alone.
my mind tells my body it is time to rest. my body responds by shutting down.
we drink in a pub and listen to fiddle and mandolin, we break two glasses, we laugh and hug, we sing.
my mind tells my body it was only fooling, we cannot rest because the work in not finished. my body responds by shutting down.
fever dreams of sped-up worlds and anxiety and love making. fever dreams of absent lovers. tossing, turning, sleep paralysis, phantom pains. hallucination, psychosis. fever dreams.
my heart is singing, he says to me in gaelic. my heart is singing.
a weight lifted creates an absence. nothing survives in a vacuum. another weight is added to compensate for the one lifted.
never good enough, never good enough, the dishes are never done.
it is better this way because i get more work done, i tell her, that's what i tell myself, to keep from minding about being alone.
but it is nice to feel something so strongly, i tell her, even if it isn't always good.
but it's more productive the other way, i tell myself.
she feels the knots in my shoulders and gasps.
my mind speeds up, my body shuts down.
count to ten. breathe. relax.